Poor Time Management

A Dish Best Served Cold

2006-06-04T15:44:00.000-04:00

After 5 years and 5 months of torture and misery the end has come.

The Reign of Terror is over.

My Friday Night

2006-05-27T00:28:00.001-04:00

7:07
Since I’m sick and unable to go out tonight, I figured it might be fun to chronicle my Friday Night. Fun for me, mind you. Anyone reading this is going to be bored to tears, but writing it should be a good way to pass the time until I can take my next dosage of Nyquil.

7:08
first stat of the night: Bill Hall 1-1 with 2 RBI, Run scored, and a HR. I love this guy. I originally became interested in him because he’d fill out the Hall Triumvirate in our league, but as I learned more and more about him I became convinced that I could make him a late-round sleeper. He hasn’t let me down yet and he’s eligible at every position…even janitor.

7:13
Freddy An. Garcia does not start his night well for me. He gives up a hit to the first batter he faces. I drafted Freddy under the Rob rule. The Rob rule states that any pitcher that has failed Rob will inevitably perform splendidly for me. Needless to say Freddy’s been amazing so far.

7:15
Freddy is sucking big time. He’s already given up a run and hasn’t recorded an out yet. Meanwhile, the Yankee contingent (Derek Jeter and Johnny Damon) are 0 for 2 collectively. I always feel like I need to make excuses for having these two guys on my team…sometimes I wonder if it was worth selling my soul to the Dark Side just to score more fantasy baseball points. Then I realize how much being in last place sucked last year and I happily move on, soulless and whistling.

7:18
Freddy records an out! Unfortunately he is now facing Troy Glaus who exists only to cause me pain. This means that Freddy is about to give up more runs.

7:20
Former Yankee Soriano jumps on board the point-train with a first at-bat double followed by a stolen base.

7:21
Troy Glaus hasn’t homered yet, but Sportsline is being suspiciously slow updating that game.

This seems like a good time to bring up one of the two big issues in my life that I’ve been meaning to address. Specifically the quoteability of the General Zod character from Superman II. Nobody in my life quotes this guy. He’s amazing. Terrence Stamp played the evil dictator/terrorist from Krypton like nobody else could and all my Lebowski-parroting amigos are giving him the cold shoulder. This has to stop and I’m begging any major sports figures out there to help me save the Zod quotes by using them during interviews with sports reporters. For this to work you need to imagine a famous athlete of your choice (I vote for Pedro) saying these things to your least favorite sports journalist (probably Tim McCarver):

“So this is planet Houston”
“Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod!”
“I win. I always win. Is there no one on this planet to even challenge me?”
“I am General Zod. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live”
“I've discovered his weakness. He cares. He actually cares for these Earth people”
“We have no more use for this one. Kill him.”
“Why do you talk to me this way. When you know that I will kill you for this?”

Good ol’ General Zod.

7:31
In Imaginary Baseball news: my team has scored a total of 68.5 points tonight. Excellent. Freddy Garcia has scored negative seven points. At least he didn’t give up a homer to Glauss. Glaus? Gloucester?

Pretty soon I’m going to have to turn on the live broadcast of the Sox game. Living in New York caused me to forget how much of one’s time can be instantly destroyed as a result of having regular access to broadcasts of your favorite sports team. A typical night for me goes like this: come home, eat food, turn on Sox game, fall asleep. That Sox game part usually takes 3.5 hours…but that time passes faster than anything else.

7:35
Time for a quick run upstairs for food.

7:43
The Sox game is about to begin. The Starters tonight are Scott Kasmir for the Stinkbombs vs. David Wells for the Hometowne team.

Both were drafted by me. Only one has not been dropped by me. I’ll let you guess which one.

Freddy Garcia is actually starting to pitch well tonight. Good times would be inevitable if not for the fact that Kasmir is facing my favorite team. This is always something of a gut-wrenching experience. Kasmir is a stellar pitcher, but he has traditionally owned the Red Sox. The dream scenario is that Kasmir pitches a shutout through 8 innings but is relieved by Crappy McSuck Devil Rays reliever who then gives up the game. Anything other than that makes tonight an unhappy time for yours truly.

7:47
David Wells manages to get Julio Lugo to fly out weakly. Do you think Wells was scheduled to pitch another rehab start, but then, upon seeing that it coincided with a D-Rays Game he just said “screw it, I’m ready for the Big Show”? Aren’t the D-Rays basically a AAA team?

7:49
Bill Hall is up again, and yes, he deserves live coverage of each of his at-bats. More so than Barry Bonds at least. Wells gets three straight fly outs to escape the first inning unharmed. I’m not buying it Boomer. Your knees are bad and you never, ever, train during the off-season. This will not last.

7:52
Bill Hall struck out. Damn.
Remy just pointed out that Kasmir is red-hot. I’m waiting for him to point out that he also looks like he’s 14 years old.

Youkilis leads off for the Sox. By the way, I’m really glad I decided not to draft him…he’s not awesome or anything. Crap. Youk hits the stuffing out of the ball but one of the Devil Ray’s light-hitting speedy outfielders catches it on the warning track. Yes, I’m pretty sure that this team would be better off if I was the GM.

7:55
The Devil Rays are running willy-nilly all over the field in between pitches to Ortiz. This shifting the shift depending on the count thing needs to stop. I think they do it just so that they look like they know what they’re doing.

7:57
Kasmir strikes out Ortiz to end the inning…Tampa Bay suckmaster Tobey Hall doesn’t realize that there are only three outs per inning until Kasmir reminds him. Only then does Hall leave the field. I’m not making this up. These guys are terrible. Little League bad.

8:00
Now seems as good a time as any for me to bring up the other major issue in my life (aside from the Zod quotes thing), which is “The Gilbert”. Earlier today as I was pulling out of a parking lot and my seatbelt locked up for no reaason. At that moment I decided that this phenomenon is so annoying that it needs its own name. Thus “The Gilbert” was born.

8:04
Aubrey Huff flies out to deep center. Wily-Mo Pena is there. This begs the question: how is it that Wily-Mo is a total nightmare in rightfield but better than average in center? Isn’t center a tougher position? Does he just need more room to move?

Shockingly Wells has been great so far…oh wait, this is the Devil Rays, nevermind.

8:08
Three Devil Rays players surround a Manny Ramirez pop-up but none of them can come up with it. Manny takes a wide turn at first then needs to dive back. He opts for the chin first slide. Good one Manny.

8:10
Don Orsillo brings up the Kasmir for Zambrano trade. Poor Mets fans. Then Remy points out that the Mets would have Pedro, Glavine, and Kasmir in the rotation with Billy Wagner closing for them. In case any of you are wondering: my friend Paul can throw better than Victor Zambrano.

8:12
Mike Lowell gets an opposite field single that puts Manny on third with one out. Kasmir’s looking at negative numbers (or as I am now calling them “Garcias”) if Manny scores. This is what happens when you enter a highly competitive fantasy sports league: you start semi-rooting against your own team.

I’m not saying I want the Sox to lose. I will always want them to win. Let’s just say that when Nixon strikes out here I’m not going to shout at the TV the way I normally would if, say, Gustavo Chacin was pitching.

Scott Kasmir is really very good at throwing a baseball. Tobey Hall, on the other hand, is not very good at catching it as Lowell moves up to second on a passed ball. Luckily for Kasmir, Manny was not able to score on that.

8:16
Wily Mo is up…I’m not liking his chances vs. Kasmir. He grounds out to end the Sox threat. I’m not cheering…but I’m a little more relaxed now when I look at the online fantasy league scoreboard.

Elsewhere in the league: Soriano has doubled for me again and Freddy Garcia is still in “I’m pitching for Rob” mode. Come on Freddy, get it together.

8:20
David Wells is trying his best to win the Gold Glove award. He’s taken away two hits with his glove already.

Wells’ curveball is looking pretty good right now. I’m starting to feel the urge to pick him back up. I guess we’ll just see how well this game goes…I can’t believe I’m letting him pull me back in to his Web of fatness and crazy quotes. I guess that’s more of a pudding than a web.

8:33
The thing I hate most about Carl Crawford is that whenever I hear his name I think of “Carl Crawfish”. I don’t even know who “Carl Crawfish” is, but I hate him, and by extension I hate Carl Crawford.

8:35
Hmmm…perhaps Wells curveball isn’t looking so good after all since Carl Crawfish just took one deep to give the Tampa Bay Speedy Crawfish the lead.

8:47
My team is suffering at the hands of its own suckiness. Drop Dead Fred Garcia sits at negative 34 points for the night. Meanwhile the Sox ground into a double play. I need some more Bill Hall homeruns to make me feel better.

8:52
David Wells is panting like a mad dog…an un-athletic mad dog. This guy is a pro athlete? Just as I type that Travis Lee hits a ball off of Wells’ knee. This could very well be the end of his career. I’m a horrible person.

9:21
Things are going well for the Sox and despite Garcia’s terrible outing, my fantasy team is doing alright too. By the way, I think part of God fell to Earth and became David Ortiz. Or maybe it’s all of God…I’m not sure. Anyways, Ortiz just hit a bases clearing double to give the Sox a 3-1 lead.

9:31
Lowell homers over the Monster. Kasmir is sad...and the 2 run bomb is bittersweet for me. I need two more Bill Hall homers to cheer me up. In the spirit of disclosure I should let you know that last year I referred to Mike Lowell as “Mike Lowell’s Deflated Carcass”. Meanwhile, Lugo boots a routine play with an assist from Travis Lee.

9:55
After falling asleep for 20 minutes I see that the Devildogs are mounting a meek comeback. They have runners at first and third with one down and some light-hitting speedy guy at the plate. I can only tell that it’s not the Crawfish. Uh-oh…Foulke is warming up. Things are about to get interesting.

Damon Hollins is this guy’s name. He comes through with a single to make the score 6-2 with runners at first and third again.

10:02
Typical Devil Craws play: Damon Hollins rounds third and has all kinds of time to get home to score a crucial run but manages to fall down between third and homeplate. As a result he needs to run back to third. Keep in mind, each of these guys is paid to do things like run the bases without falling down…and they can’t do it.

By the way, Keith Foulke is now pitching for the Sox, which might explain why the diminutive Julio Lugo just hit a towering foul ball that barely missed becoming a homerun. It was one Lugo-length away at most. Instead Lugo is retired and the Sox are set up for another easy win over the crap-balls of the league.

10:07
As if to prove my point, NESN presents a stat regarding the current matchup of relief pitcher Brian Meadows vs. the batter, Manny Ramirez. What was the stat you ask? Manny is 4 for 6 in his career vs. Meadows with 4 homeruns. Gotta love the Devil Rays bullpen strategery.

The strategery works (kind of) as Manny hits a very very high fly ball into left field that’s caught in front of the warning track.

10:11
Whoever made the rejuvenation machine that Mike Lowell hooked himself up to is going to make a lot of money when that thing ramps up to mass production.

11:00

All of a sudden the night comes to an end. The Sox doubled up the DRays 8-4 and now I must sleep.

While my peers were out getting drunk and clubbing, I did this. Awesome. Oh, and I hocked up a lot of goo and blew my nose about two thousand times.

Somewhere, from the darkness, a voice cries out

2006-04-14T14:45:00.000-04:00

I know I don't update enough for all of you heartless jackals, but I like to think that when I do add crap to this blog it's an amazing experience. Check this out and tell me if I'm right.

The Greatest Thing Ever Part 732

2006-03-25T23:08:00.000-05:00

Follow this link to see the following:

A TV Pilot directed by Ben Stiller
Jack Black playing an astronaut who becomes a genius when exposed to the sun
A talking motorcycle that has been possessed (voiced by Owen Wilson)
Ron Silver playing himself as an astronaut/Nasa hitman/actor

Thank me later.

Best Buy = Worst Buying Experience

2006-03-22T00:01:00.000-05:00

Recently I accompanied Pablo to The Mall where he purchased a computer from a well known electronics retailer that shall remain nameless. Let’s just say that this retailer has a lot of blue and yellow in its stores and that it sucks the life out of you if you stand inside of it for too long. Also, it is called Best Buy.

Some things you should know about the Best Buy Experience:

They will ALWAYS try to upsell you.

I warned my compatriot of this one. We had selected a severely marked-down computer, monitor, and printer/scanner package. The price break on these three items was so good that we would’ve been hard-pressed to find a better deal on the internet. This means that the five-headed, slimey-tentacled, beast-creature that runs the place was betting that the sales crew (aka: the assface squad) would be able to turn a profit by conning the buyer into purchasing additional peripherals that any normal human would never actually need.

Predictably, when the sales-sack returned with a cart for the computer it already contained two DVDs and a large box of crap. The following conversation went something like this:

Pablo: What is this disk thingy?

Sack: That’s a virus protection CD. You need that to keep your computer safe from viruses that will ruin it.

Pablo: How much does it cost.

Sack: $120 bucks, but it’s a great deal.

Pablo: I don’t want it.

Sack: Ok, well, I’ll take it out, but once you get set up you should really come back and buy it.

Pablo: Right. What’s this other thing?

Sack: That’s a spyware killer. You need that so your computer won’t get ruined by spyware.

Pablo: How much does it cost?

Sack: $30

Pablo: I don’t want it.

Sack: Ok, well, I’ll take it out, but once you get set up you should really come back and buy it.

Pablo: Right. What’s this thing?

Sack: That’s a battery backup. You really need one of these if you live on Cape Cod because we have lots of power dips in the summer and if that happens you don’t want your computer to just shut off because that will ruin it.

Pablo: How much does it cost?

Sack: $130 but it…

Pablo: I don’t want it.

Sack: Sack: Ok, well, I’ll take it out, but once you get set up you should really come back and buy it.

There. Now wasn’t that fun? What a great time you can have when the supposedly “helpful” sales staff is trying to sneak over $250 worth of useless crap into your purchase. The Sack was kind enough to inform us that he was not working on commission. So basically The Sack was telling us: “Look guys, I’m not being sleazy for the money, I’m just doing this because I’m a whore for my manager and--since I'll always be a frustrated virgin--I need to screw people any way that I can”.

Everyone There Is An Idiot

That one is self-explanatory. In the middle of the sales pitch a friend of The Sack almost poked me in the eye. I can’t even explain how this came to pass.

Everyone There Thinks You Are An Idiot

At the checkout register The Sack tried to sell Pablo a $220 service plan. He actually started figuring this into the cost of the product. I asked if the computer came with a manufacturer’s warranty and he replied with a very Sackesque “yes, but that’s only for defects in the machine that come about as a result of normal use”. So either Best Buy is so totally evil that they’re willing to scam EVERYONE who buys a computer, or they’re good people who think that Pablo is going to take his computer home and use it as a sparring partner for ten rounds of bare-knuckle boxing. I pity the naïve parents that go in there just trying to buy a computer for their kid. By the end of it, I wouldn't have been surprised if he tried to sell Pablo a flux capacitor. Although, in that case, I probably would have stepped-in in order to buy it for myself so I could go back in time and kill The Sack's father so that he would never be born. Either that or I would've just bashed his face in with it.

They Will Screw With Your Life Even After Your Purchase Is Complete

This one is my favorite. Pablo pays for his new computer, takes the cart from The Sack, and begins to leave, when suddenly The Sack intervenes. At this point we’ve withstood so many up-sell attempts and attacks on our intelligence that I thought we had The Sack beat. We were basically getting this computer at cost; but no, I was wrong. The Sack had more damage to do. It was like an arch-nemesis coming back from the grave for one last sudden attack. Like a smellier, pimplier version of Dracula.

“You can’t take that yet, first we need to give it to our technicians for testing”. What???? Best Buy has technicians? I refuse to believe this one. There’s not a goddamned technician of any kind in The Mall. There are barely any sentient beings in that place. “It should only take 20 minutes, we’re just going to make sure everything works before you get it home”. Yes, because you people with your spyware, virus, and “power-dip” paranoia are really qualified to tell us what is and is not working. Awesome. We decided to go get some dinner. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure the "technicians" got busy re-enacting the last scene of Bloodsport with Pablo's new comp.

Best Ending

When the dust (and food court chow) finally settled, Pablo was a pretty happy camper. We managed to solve the power issue by getting a $25 surge protector from Staples. As for viruses and spyware: there are free options out there, and even if Pablo does have to pay for it, he won't be paying $220 to a tentacled beast-creature.

The List of Pablo's Debts

2006-03-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

My least net-savvy friend Pablo has a nasty habit of making bets that he can't possibly win. Not just typical male-mind bets like "dude, I bet I can get that chick over there to go home with me" either, if Pablo made those sorts of bets he might actually have a chance at winning some of them. Instead things go something like this:

Pablo: The Pats are going to suck this year. I can't believe we didn't even sign anyone good.

Chris: Um...we did get Corey Dillon.

Pablo: No we didn't.

Chris: I'll bet you (some ridiculous thing) that we did.

Pablo: You're on.

Now, why would you make that bet? Why would Chris make something like that up? Furthermore, if he had made it up, wouldn't he KNOW that he made it up and NOT bet on it? That's just a terrible maneuver by the Pablofactor, and that's not even close to his most absurd bet. As a result of this ridiculous habit, Pablo is bound by honor to:

-Get a tattoo on his arm that says “Big Papi”...this would go along with the two Sanskrit tattoos that he already has: one means “wet” the other means “dream” (the Papi tattoo bet is kind of understandable, it occurred during the 2004 ALCS)
-Wear a Doug Christie Jersey everywhere he goes for one week straight (this one was my invention and I managed to sink a half-court shot to guarantee it, Pablo sort of pussed-out and ended up having a custom baseball t-shirt made that said “Christie” on the back...not nearly as cool as my idea. I still feel a little robbed but forcing him to buy a Doug Christie jersey on eBay for $80 would be too cruel)
-Eat a dirty sock (I think his own? I don't know where this one comes from...Chris would probably be able to explain it—he has an encyclopedic knowledge of all of Pablo's screw-ups)

And that's just the tip of the iceberg folks. I haven't been able to keep track of all the other stuff but I'll try to remember to post more as they happen.

1927 All Over Again

2006-03-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

It's time to get excited about movies again.

Not because of HD TV sets. Not because of Blue-Ray DVDs. And definitely not because of anything coming to a theater near you. It's time to get excited for video on demand.

Right now you people think I've gone out of my mind, and I have, but I'm right about this and you need to hear me out. Apple is, right this very second, rolling out a Movie section on iTunes that features movie downloads for $9.99 a pop. Yes, these things are DRM'd to hell, yes these will probably be only DVD-level quality at best, and yes you still have to wait for Comcast or Verizon to shepherd every byte of that over-one-gig file to your hard drive, but it's worth it.

Think about Netflix. Most subscribers pay $18.00 a month and patiently wait 2-4 days to receive their scratched up DVDs. If they “rent” too many DVDs in a month Netflix throttles them back by putting artificial delays on the DVDs that are sent to those movie-hungry subscribers. Apple's model costs a bunch more than Netflix but it represents near-instant gratification AND YOU OWN THE MOVIE (make a backup copy).

I'm sure it won't happen instantaneously, but within 10 months the movie content on iTunes will rival Netflix in both quantity and variety. This is something that everyone wants a piece of (including the cable companies who already have Video on Demand options for their customers...but they are terrible) but Apple's going to win because they are going to get there first, just like they did with music. They'll probably do it better than everyone else too, but that's pretty much assumed at this point.

It's worth mentioning that not too long ago Steve unveiled the new Mac Mini with Front Row and Apple Remote (people are going to be using those WAAAAY more than anyone thinks right now). This spicy little number, designed to be the “entry-level” Mac was priced $100 over the previous Mac Mini's price point. This basically made this computer the most expensive entry-level desktop computer since 1997. Is the remote really worth $100? The obvious answer is “no”. The remote probably costs Apple $2 to make, but I shouldn't have to tell you that the ability to sit on your fat ass and tell your computer to download, save to the hard drive, and play movies for you as if it was just a natural extension of your TV/Stereo-system/Altar-to-Bacchus is priceless. You're probably an American, and if I know anything about Americans it's that we'll pay anything if it means we get to sit on our asses more. It's great to be a citizen of the greatest country on the planet, isn't it? Isn't it?

Could this all fall through? Of course it could. If Mad Dog Steve can't cut the necessary distribution deals he's boned. Is that likely to happen? No. I can't imagine that the Majority Stock Holder in Disney and the Hottest CEO in this Dimension is going to have a hard time finding movies to put in his online store. If Pixar doesn't have every one of their movies on there within a month I'll be shocked. As soon as they get one killer flick on there (like The Incredibles or Aladdin), all the other studios will see how absurdly lucrative this new model of distribution is and they'll jump on like a hat full of rabid monkeys. But since all of Hollywood just doesn't get it yet we'll have to handle being excited for them. So get excited for the movies, because not long from now they're ALL going to be a click away from your living room.

Why Know These Things?

2006-03-13T20:51:00.000-05:00

www.chickencaesarsalad.com is a website.

www.yummychickencaesarsalad.com is not.

Ten Messed-Up Things: Pretty Woman Edition

2006-03-12T18:27:00.000-05:00

1. A movie about a prostitute nailing a rich white dude is the official Fairytale of my generation.

2. Richard Gere is the male lead which means I can't make it through the first 10 seconds of the movie without thinking of about 1,000 Gerbil Jokes.

3. Jason Alexander is the bad guy. This is a movie about Richard Gere and a prostitute and George from Seinfeld is the villain??? That's just not right.

4. Laura San Giancomuo? San Ginacumo? JinRummy? Good actress. TERRIBLE LAST NAME

5. Oh yeah, the part of the whore is played by Julia Roberts. Who would go on to become known as “America's Sweetheart”. America's Sweatheart is a whore. Awesome.

6. There is a polo scene. A polo scene that is critical to the advancement of the plot.

7. Richard Gere's Character wins over the whore by climbing a fire escape. This is the romantic climax of the movie: the rich white guy walks up some stairs.

8. There is a shopping scene. A shopping scene that is critical to the advancement of the plot.

9. The main character looks like Julia Roberts but, somehow, can only make money by selling her body on the streets of LA. Right.

10. At the end everyone lives happily ever after. Oh yeah, wait...except for Laura San Giamatti's character...who will probably end up overdosing or getting murdered. Good one.

And now, to continue PTM's tradition of linking to foreign-language videos...

2006-03-06T17:41:00.000-05:00

Um, I think they're showing us how to peel a potato in three seconds using your bare hands.

Oscar Extravaganza!!!

2006-03-06T01:06:00.000-05:00

Hello Everybody and welcome to my Sports Guy-esque Oscar Journal. Because I am involved in two different Oscar related competitions (one vs. Jenny, my Oscar Ballot Arch-Nemesis, and the other with the coffee shop I frequent) I thought I would make an event of the Oscars by sitting down with my folks in order to watch and write about this monstrosity.

8:00 PM
This is the coolest opening to an Oscar telecast ever.

I especially like the DeLorean and the Batmobile.

While I have a moment I'd like to ask: how bad was the pre-show? Awkward moments with confused celebrities AND Billy Bush on top of that? How did the Universe not implode in a sudden surge of frivolity?

8:03

Clever work with Billy Crystal, Chris Rock, Steve Martin, Whoopie, and Mel Gibson. Passing the torch to Stewart in style.

Question: is there anything Mel Gibson isn't capable of doing? At this point I wouldn't be surprised if he conquered all of South America and led an army of spear-carrying Amazonians northward to take over the US and Canada. The man is out of his mind.

8:05

John Stewart takes the stage after a quality opening. Now he has to pass the Monologue test. He's passing so far...mocking Democrats...good times. Sticking to what works is probably not a bad idea your first night out as Oscar Host.

8:17

Does George Clooney ever not play George Clooney in a film? Everyone always loves his performances even though they're always the same. I defy you to point out a nuanced performance by George Clooney. They are interchangeable. AND he won??? Wow...

At least Nicole Kidman is smoking hot...I give her an 8 for looks but a 3 for looking like she knows what she's doing. Clooney's speech is ok...Giamatti deserved to win. Bummer.

8:21

Is that the Canadian National Anthem playing us out to the commercial break? Sounds very similar.

Rachel Weisz is super hot. I'd like to develop some kind of rating scale for how disappointed I get when I see an actress is pregnant. I should obviously feel happy for her, as I would anyone else, but instead I'm always like “Damn! Some jackass impregnated her! Now I'll never have her”...oh the mind of the modern male. I think Julia Roberts would get like a 1 on the ODSBIS (that's the “Oh Damn She's Been Impregnated Scale for those of you who aren't skipping this paragraph) while Catherine Zeta Jones would be a full-on 10...or maybe it would go to 11 just for her...screw that it's a scale to 100 and she's a 100 while Roberts is a 13.

As far as my two Oscar ballots go. I'm way off. Clooney screwed me again! Jenny will clearly destroy me. And I won't be getting that 20 dollar gift cert. Things are looking bad and there's only been one award given.

8:26
Ben Stiller? As an Oompa Loompa I'm guessing. Nope, I was wrong. This is actually a funny sketch involving Ben Stiller. Which may very well be the greatest visual effect of all time.

8:30
The King Kong guys win for Visual Effects. I actually got this one on my Coffee Shop ballot. They've already started the music on this guy and he just started talking. Good one. These guys get no respect at all even though their work is what brings in 80% of the audience. Who's going to see Kong or Narnia if it's a bunch of puppets and crudely drawn cartoons? Well, maybe me...but I'm weird.

8:35

Naomi Watts aka Nicole Kidman 2.0 is on stage to present something while wearing a dress my dad describes as a burlap sack.

8:36

Dolly Parton is on...good God help me!!!! My EYES MY EYES!!!! BRING BACK WATTS!!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOPPPPP AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

My mom actually believes that Dolly's boobs are real. This is a 60 year old woman...if those were real...nevermind...I shouldn't be having this conversation with my mom and I shouldn't be typing it here.

I will have nightmares about Dolly Parton tonight. Sick.

Did she just sing “Travel with me”? I'd rather not Dolly. I'd rather flee in terror.

8:40

The Wilson brothers. I was going to write something witty...but the presence of these guys precludes me from doing that. They're like kryptonite to intelligence.

HAHAHAHA! Six Shooter wins Best Live Action Short??? I'm awesome!!! Jenny and I are now tied! Let's hear it for random guessing!

8:43
The animated short people also get the music treatment. My Dad just went nuts at the “life partner” shout-out. I had to point it out first though...he was falling asleep and I knew that would wake him up. He'll be good to go for another 45 minutes now.

8:45

Enjoy this moment Jennifer Aniston because presenting is as close as you're ever going to get. Er...wait...wasn't she nominated once? I don't know. How awesome would it be if Angelina Jolie was up for Best Actress? Too awesome obviously.

8:55

They actually just promo'd Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell “taking the stage”. At least the Academy knows what people actually tuned in to see...of course that means they should also be promo'ing women's breasts popping out of their dresses as well as the mere presence of Jessica Alba in the convention hall.

8:59

Is it just me or are the commercial breaks remarkably short?

9:01

The Chronicles of Narnia dude just totally bogarted the mic on that lady. Nothing sucks more than not being able to speak at all when you win an Oscar.

9:02

Rachel McAdams!!! Rachel McAdams!!! Rachel McAdams!!!! Please, Men of Hollywood: DO NOT Impregnate her. I beg of you. Keep my wild, totally pathetic and unrealistic dreams alive.

9:08

Rachel Weisz delivers an awesome speech. I would expect nothing less of her. Stop Impregnating my women Hollywood!!! She's a 95 on the ODSBIS by the way.

9:12

Lauren Bacall looks like she's going to die. Nice of the Academy to make her walk a mile and a half out to the podium. This is hard to watch. Were they trying to kill her? Did she do something to piss them off?

9:14

All that effort to get to the podium and all she does is intro a look back at Film Noir? Why? Is Primetime Television really the time for a Film Class on Noir. Are they just trying to pad this thing out?

9:16

Greatest Oscar Sketch ever. The ads...oh the glorious ads. Those'll be hitting youtube.com soon

9:17

I just downloaded the ads from youtube.com

9:18

Jenny and I both blow it on the Documentary Short category.
This music at the start of the thank-you speech thing is just about the biggest diss ever.

9:21
Charlize pretty much looks like a goddess that has fallen to earth....flowery words indeed, but she's still smoking hot. My mom hates her dress.

Somebody needs to tell people not to bring stuffed penguins up to the stage when the losing nominees were all about serious subjects. French people are not being well-represented by these guys. And why is Morgan Freeman off to the side of the stage staring on in shock? He narrated the film, no? Did they wave him off when he was trying to take the stage? A bizarre sequence from beginning to end.

9:24

All the disembodied PA voice can say about J-Lo is “Please welcome a beautiful actress and singer”. Wow...that's as back-handed as a compliment can get. I think it might have been a better idea to just say “Ladies and Gentlemen, Jennifer Lopez” or even “Please welcome the most recognizable ass in the room”.

9:26

“In the Deep” is sung in front of some random interpretive dancers that look nothing like the stars of Crash. Even still I'd rather sit through this than watch Dolly Parton sing. And if I'm choosing interpretive dance over anything else, you KNOW the other option must be bee-stings-in-the-pants level bad.

9:32

I don't know what is sadder: Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock entered to the theme music from Speed or that I recognized the theme music from Speed in two notes.

They are presenting for Art Direction. I say Memoirs of a Geisha wins this one, Jenny thinks Pride and Prejudice will take home the little golden man.

9:33

HAHHA! I win another one! On both Coffee Shop and vs. Jenny. I am the king of Art Direction! I actually took a class on it in college. Oh my God that is sad.

I'm also glad to see that I in no way fit into the demographic of the advertising on this program: JC Penny and Diet Pepsi.

9:41

Great job here by Stewart after the Montage of Important Hollywood Films Throughout the Years: “And none of those issues were a problem ever again”.

9:44

Is the President of the Academy begging me to go to the theater and not buy the DVD? Is that what he's doing? This guy is a joker. “There's nothing like sitting in a darkened room with an eye-enveloping screen with sound coming at you from every direction in a room full of strangers”. Um...yes there is...it's called a “home theater” and guess what? It's better than a room full of talking, cell-phone equipped, seat-kicking, food-throwing asshole-strangers.

9:45

Salma Hayek takes the stage which leads to the following conversation between my mother and me:

Mom: First J-Lo and now her? What is this, the Latino portion of the evening?

Me: No, this is the smoking-hot Fox portion of the evening.

And that was the end of that conversation.

I lose on Best Musical Score...Jenny picked Brokeback's Score which sounds like some random drunken dude playing an acoustic guitar.

The big race right now is not for Best Picture it's for “will the telecast outlast my battery life”? Right now I'm at an estimated 1 hour and 11 minutes left.

9:56

Another “Please dear God go to the theater” moment with Jake Gyllenhaal. Whoever is operating the teleprompter must have invested in Regal Cinemas stock or something.

10:00

JESSICA ALBA ALERT!!!!!!!! JESSICA ALBA ALERT!!!!

The only human being on the planet that gets an invite to the Oscars just because she'll look better than anyone else there.

10:06

Official time of Dad Falling Asleep: 10:06PM and 10 seconds.

Apparently the Honorary Oscar isn't enough to keep Dad awake.

This is basically the “You stayed alive” award.

WHOA! Dad awakens to point out the length of the ovation that Altman received.

10:15

My dad awakens again at the mention of Jennifer Garner's name. He proceeds to curse Ben Affleck no fewer than four times.

10:17

The M. Night Shyamalan ad is now my favorite ad and the only good American Express ad ever.

10:19

Ludacris? This Oscars has everything! And a 5 second delay moment! And they missed one! I distinctly heard a “shit”! Two “shits”! And the interpretive dancers return! Classic! This is the lamest and most amazing Oscar music performance ever. An interpretive dance battle! This is amazing. And what about that one dancer dressed like an Abercrombie and Fitch model while everyone else is dressed like a thug? What's the deal with that guy? Did he just sneak on stage or something?

Queen Latifah out to present best original song. I say it's going to be “In the Deep”, Jenny says “Travelin' Through”. I know I'm right. But here we go:

And we're both wrong. Wow...the Academy with a stunning move.

John Stewart is the man: “If there is a way to show how hard it is for a pimp it is through interpretive dance”.

10:30

Nothing is better than the guy who's too damn excited to speak when he wins his Oscar. Oh sound editing nerds...how I enjoy watching you make asses of yourselves.

And now we get the dead guy roll call which is inevitably peppered with my folks saying “I didn't know he/she died!”.

Anne Bancroft??? I didn't know she died!!!

10:42

If only Ziyi Zhang presented Oscars the same way she showed off the crazy sword in Crouching Tiger. I would pay good money to see her kick the crap out of everyone in the room. Maybe even just the first few rows.

10:48

Philip Seymour Hoffman gets the win, but I'm an idiot for only selecting him on my coffee shop ballot and not my vs. Jenny ballot.

10:52

Right now it's looking like this thing's going to go till 11:30, but I'm hoping they have some kind of military efficiency planned for the next few categories. My battery life is down to 11 minutes, and there's no way that's going to be enough.

10:55

I had to plug in the comp. You win Oscars. You win.

Travolta? Travolta makes the cut? Wow...everything under the sun in this Oscars. Maybe all the talented presenters died. I should've paid more attention to the dead guy roll call.

11:12

My dad would like to point out that Uma Thurman is “exquisite”. Leave it to him to whip out the vaguely gay-sounding language at the oddest times.

11:22

My Battle with Jenny has come down to this: The Best Picture category and the end of the Oscars. Jack Nicholson once again determines my fate. This is for the whole bag of poo.

AND I WIN!!!!! I'm the man! Thanks for coming out everyone. Good Night and Good Luck!

I'm No John August, but I Wish I Was.

2006-03-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

I semi-regularly read the blog of John August, the writer of numerous screenplays and even a few movies. It's always a good read and everytime I stumble upon the link in my bookmarks folder I end up spending the rest of my night catching up on what he's been up to.

Tonight is sort of one of those nights and I even managed to find this quote from Mr. August that sums up why this night is likely to be fully realized as one of those nights:

For instance, I feel exactly the same way about screenwriting now as when I first started, back when I was sleeping on the floor and eating Ramen Noodles. That is: I kind of hate writing, but I love having written. I would rather do almost anything than sit down and write a scene. But having written it, then reading it back? Pure gravy.
--John August

Truer words have ne'er been written.

If I have to choose between the hostage or this comp, I shoot the hostage.

2006-03-04T01:01:00.000-05:00

This is a screen capture of my NEW computer's desktop. You may notice that I have ten applications open. What you can't possibly notice is that this machine is utterly unphased by such reckless use of system resources. Scope my sweet menu bars dudes. Those two percentages next to each other measure how much of each of my TWO processor cores I'm using. Good God I'm a nerd...a nerd with a better computer than you, so you better watch out!
This is my new computer. There are many like her, but this one is mine. Her name is Veronica. She wears a name tag.
Veronica is super thin...but not in a gross Mischa Barton way.
Veronica's keyboard automatically lights up when I turn down the lights. It's sort of creepy at first, but I'm used to it now.

The Pottery Album

2006-02-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

Since the pottery-record thing was incredibly popular (4 comments? And none of them made fun of me? WOW!), I thought I would clarify things. That pottery thingy is supposedly from Pompeii or something. And when they used their clever "lazers" to detect little bumbs in the pot they were able to decode those indents (as if they were grooves on a record) to actually play back sounds from the shop in which the pot was made. You can hear a guy laughing. I'm guessing he wouldn't be lauging if someone told him that the giant frikin' volcano they live next to was about to explode and decimate the entire city. So anyways...that technique lets us spy on people who lived thousands of years ago. Pretty creepy huh?

I Get Fanmail

2006-02-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

Any subscribers to The Cape Cod Chronicle already know that my smash-hit Letter-to-the-Editor was met with cheers of joy. The rest of you may be excited to learn that in this week's most recent edition one Greg Myers wrote to the editor specifically to praise the greatness of my letter. That's just how awesome I am.

And if you don't think I'm going to be bragging about this for the next 4 weeks, you don't know me, so what the hell are you doing here?

Thank Me Later

2006-02-20T00:49:00.000-05:00

Eavesdropping a Few Thousand Years into the Past

2006-02-19T14:41:00.000-05:00

Creepy, but cool stuff is located here. It makes me wonder what people 2,000 years in our future will be able to do in order to spy on us. Click "Lire la Video" to watch.

This guy REALLY hates bone claws

2006-02-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

Check it out.

The Race Against Time

2006-02-08T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is my external Firewire Harddrive. Let's call it Jane.

Jane is dying. When my computer tried to initialize Jane early this afternoon, Jane responded by making a sound that can best be described as "gravel being pumped through a V8 engine". This isn't good for me or for Jane. I suspect that she's about to take all 120 Gigs of digital information with her to the big trash can in the sky...er...garage.

My situation is not utterly without hope. A new era of computing is on its way in the form of a new Macbook Pro. Unfortunately, that era is scheduled to arrive sometime in late February, while Jane's demise is scheduled to arrive any second now.

I ask only this: pray for Jane. Pray for her and her $175 worth of iTunes downloads ($110 of which are from Pepsi bottlecaps). Pray for all of the dancing banana icons I've saved to her. Most importantly, pray that she doesn't explode. If that happens my face will be smashed to bits by Firewire-enabled shrapnel. I'm not looking forward to having a smashed face.

Create your own Tesla Coil

2006-02-03T15:13:00.000-05:00

If this thing featured some kind of advanced targeting system I would be all over it. Instead it just looks like another disastrous carpet fire waiting to happen.

read more | digg story

What Becomes of a Quote Deferred?

2006-02-02T00:45:00.000-05:00

This one is too long for the random quote generator up top, but it's worth sharing with all of you:

It could be snowing 5 inches per hour and it would still be girl-watching weather, in my opinion. Of course, the imagination needs to work its magic a little more...
--Hulahulk (a random internet user)

Paypay? Paypaypay-pay-pay? Pay?

2006-02-01T21:40:00.000-05:00

Ok Mark Cuban, Bell South, and AT&T, I'm going to straighten you out. You're all arguing that the world needs a multi-tiered (or "laned" as Cuban puts it) internet. You state that since some content providers need their content to be delivered faster, they should pay more for that privelige. You are all idiots, and some of you are even Chloe-oggling, married, idiots.

These content-providers are already paying for their "high-speed" content by the very nature of that content: "high-speed" content is basically high-bandwidth content for which you already charge a greater amount. On the other end you're charging the consumer more based on how fast they can pull down that content. How many times do you expect to get paid for your service? Maybe any website that uses your services should have to also advertise for you? Perhaps all of us users should have banner ads at the top and bottom of our screens praising the greatness of Bell South and AT&T.

I'm trying to think of an industry that could try to charge for their product three times and get away with it. The idea that you would charge content providers for bandwidth THEN charge them for high-speed THEN charge the customers of those content providers for the "convenience" of receiving that content at the speed THEY ARE PAYING THEIR ISP (YOU) FOR is absurd. Jackasses.

Some Reporters Just Don't Work Hard Enough

2006-01-31T16:56:00.000-05:00

So I'm poking around on the internet, touring the various news-gathering sites out there and I come across the weirdest story of the week. I have some serious issues with whoever this anonymous AP reporter is. Firstly: why doesn't he/she tell me about who John Daly's wife is (other than the fact that she's John Daly's wife and apparently has a fetish for rotund hick-looking fellows)? I want to know, nay, the WORLD wants to know what she does for a living (other than starting joint-drug/gambling rings with her folks)? Where does she spend her time outside of John Daly's house? Does she deal?

Secondly: the news-reading freaks out there (myself included) crave the specifics of a story like this. What kind of drugs was she selling? Was she the Don or just an underling? Is HBO going to turn this into an Emmy-nominated drama? And what about this gambling thing? What games was she playing? Where were the illicit deals happening? I need details!!!!! She's John Daly's wife and she's going to jail for crazy drug and gambling charges!!! WHY BOTHER REPORTING THE STORY IF YOU CAN'T GIVE US SPECIFICS????!!!!!

Thirdly: there are no pictures of John Daly's wife being carted away in handcuffs. This would be my wallpaper for a month. Instead I'm forced to look at some cutsie-wootsie picture of John Daly's wife pretending to love John Daly (who, ironically, is wearing a "Trim Spa" logo on his chest) while she's secretly thinking about what to do with all the bodies she's got buried in the backyard. What a joke.

So, anonymous AP reporter, from now on I want to see these three things included in all of your stories:

-Background info
-Specific details
-Humiliating pictures

How to Hack Netflix

2006-01-30T13:17:00.000-05:00

This is a crucial story I found on digg. Information all of us can use.

read more | digg story

Pixar may 'unHollywood' Disney

2006-01-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

From Digg.com:

Pixar succeeded by breaking the Hollywood business model. It employed producers, directors, writers, etc., long-term instead of just for one movie at a time. This created a tightknit company of collaborators who stick together and strive to improve with every production. Pixar brings that model to Disney and may spread it to the rest of Hollywood.

read more | digg story

Eh-er er-er eh

2006-01-11T11:03:00.000-05:00

It's about time.

WiFi-over-coax-cable extender

2006-01-09T13:42:00.000-05:00

I'm really just blogging this so I'll remember to get one when they're actually available to ship. I hate "poor signals"--whether they be on a cell phone, a computer, or a date.

read more | digg story

No Mention of the .50 vs. Hanson w/Survival Knives Debate?

2005-12-26T20:29:00.000-05:00

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Immortalized for All-Time:

2005-12-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

An Explosion on the Moon

2005-12-24T13:12:00.000-05:00

Tis' the season for Risk 2210 and it appears that someone is getting an early start on their "attack the moon" plan. Those that follow that sort of thing should enjoy reading the following post from Digg:

NASA scientists have observed an explosion on the moon. The blast, equal in energy to about 70 kg of TNT, occurred near the edge of Mare Imbrium (the Sea of Rains) on Nov. 7, 2005, when a 12-centimeter-wide meteoroid slammed into the ground traveling 27 km/s.

read more | digg story

Despite the War on Christmas Google Forges Onward

2005-12-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

Something exciting has been going on over at Google. I'm not sure where this is headed, but last year's doodles ended somewhat unexpectedly.

You'll all be happy to know that, despite numerous assassination attempts on our Christmas tree, the fam is doing fine. Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays to all you damned, dirty heathens!

RIAA, MPAA, Bittorrent and Me

2005-12-23T22:52:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not, I WAS in the process of putting together some intelligent thoughts on the subjects mentioned in the title of this post. All my efforts were thrown aside when I discovered the following two links:

The RIAA explains why CD's (even the crappy ones) cost so much.
Courtney Love explains why everything the RIAA says is a lie.

He Is Risen!!!

2005-12-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right! He lives! If you enjoyed my original post on the FSM wait until you check out this Wired article. When you're done there you'll obviously want to play The FSM game. I know you love me, but realize this: I am only a messenger, I am not the FSM himself.

Goin' Down to the Fish Pier/ Gonna Have Myself a Time

2005-12-21T18:28:00.000-05:00

Big thanks to davelus for this one. This "studio" allows you to render yourself (or anyone, real or fictitious) as a South Park character. I'm sure we'll all be wasting a lot of time on this.

More Hot off of Digg: Pimp My Nutcracker!

2005-12-19T22:49:00.000-05:00

My Nutcracker likes Vitamin Water, Beer, and cheeseburgers.

Just click "read more". Trust me.

read more | digg story

Hot off of Digg Episode 2: Two Old Men Battle! (Click "Read More" to watch the Video)

2005-12-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

Just weeks after the blogosphere lost McDoogs to retirement, I must also hang up the spikes since I will never be able to top this.

FROM DIGG:

Nothing like two old farts throwing down. You know you're in trouble when you hit the ground just from throwing a punch. Funny in a horrible sense.

read more | digg story

Diggers Say the Darndest Things

2005-12-19T20:21:00.000-05:00

I just grabbed a pic of this guy's comment. It seemed funny at the time and it is somewhat relevant to my recent link to the "Hey Crackhead" Manifesto.

Hot off of Digg: Microsoft movie promoting Internet Explorer for the Mac

2005-12-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

The Richest Company in the world makes really crappy cartoons. I'm having a hard time figuring out exactly what features this demo is trying to hype. Customizing the user interface? Is that really what Microsoft thought Mac users wanted back in 1999? How about a browser that can do useful stuff? Like, you know, load web pages? I dunno, maybe THAT would've been a cool product to have. Too bad a bunch of open source nerds beat you to the punch. Click "read more" to actually watch this sin against online cartoons.

FROM DIGG:

Just about the best thing that's ever come out of Microsoft. Check out their flash movie.

read more | digg story

50 Cent vs. Hanson: The Follow-Up

2005-12-16T14:53:00.000-05:00

Anyone who considers themselves a truly loyal reader of my blog will be greatly rewarded by reading the original 50 Cent vs. Hanson post then proceeding immediately to this page and reading the whole thing. This is a great time in the history of the world.

"Are you saying I can dodge bullets?"

2005-12-13T19:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. You CAN dodge bullets...in Flash...with your mouse...
So far I'm unhittable as long as I am in front of a window and you are shooting at me from over 900 feet away.

Check it out:

FROM DIGG:

Test out your reflexes with this bullet dodging game. Basically click the mouse as soon as you hear the gun fire.

read more | digg story

Twain, Hemmingway, and This Guy:

2005-12-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

I've never been victimized by a crackhead, but if I ever am, I hope I can remain as level-headed as this guy. Sometimes a piece of writing just grabs you. This man's one-sided dialogue with a crackhead that's done him wrong is one of those masterworks.

Better than Battery Acid

2005-12-11T14:32:00.000-05:00

My sixth-grade (that's "Grade Six" for all you Canadians out there) science book featured a story about a little girl who found a can of battery acid in her garage and decided to drink it. I think the book was trying to make the point that acid is dangerous. I'm trying to make the point that this is the best hot chocolate in the world and you should probably choose to drink it over anything you might find in a can in your garage.

PS. Microwave some milk and use that as the base for the concoction. Don't heat it for too long or else you'll end up with throat scars just like the girl from my sixth grade science book. And whatever you do, don't use water. Only insurgents drink their hot chocolate with water.

XXXBox?

2005-12-09T17:42:00.000-05:00

Strangely enough, a situation in which having a great video game console actually GETS you laid. The worm has turned! The Nerds shall inherit the Earth!

FROM DIGG:

Ok, now it has come to this. Apparently some people are posting on Craigslist offering sex in exchange for an Xbox 360...(file this under "sick" deals)

read more | digg story

I'll trade you my 100 combat-ready AK-47s for your speed-boat full of cocaine

2005-12-08T19:24:00.000-05:00

This guy has a fantastic idea. Inevitably however, it's going to result in a deal similar to the title of this post. Maybe switch the guns with slave-children from Uganda or something. In any case it should be entertaining to see how this thing ends.

If the guy does finally trade for a house I hope he decides to keep going. Why stop at a house when you could trade up until you had an entire country? Maybe trade for Uganda and free all those poor slave children? Just a thought.

Mars Rovers may be seeing their Last days....barely chugging along

2005-12-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

It's a story that's worth the 3 minutes it takes to read. Finally NASA does something right.

FROM DIGG:

Signs of fatigue are beginning to show: Around 10 days ago, the mechanical arm on Opportunity stopped moving, One of the steering actuators has also blown on Opportunity, Rock Abrasion Tool has worn out...

read more | digg story

WHAT?

2005-12-05T14:27:00.000-05:00

Japan.

Build your own Gauss Rifle

2005-12-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

Gyro Overload!

FROM DIGG:

It's not quite as pretty (or deadly) as the Gauss gun from Half-Life, but if you ever wanted your own Gauss Rifle (and who hasn't?) then this is the tutorial you need. So simple, even your kid will have their own deadly rifle in no time.

read more | digg story

Fung WAAAAAHHHH??????

2005-12-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, during Capitalism's infancy, goods and services were usually accompanied by some kind of customer service and/or basic courtesy. Those reckless days have long since passed and the driving force of today's market system is the cutting of costs.

Enter the Fung Wah bus company. Fung Wah was founded on one principle alone: be cheaper than the other guy. This philosophy has brought success to the company and fear to its customers. Take this review by Kristen G. from Yelp.com for instance:

"Three years ago, I took the Fung Wah to NYC every time. It was so cheap and ran all hours of the day. It still is, but now so are other lines like Greyhound that will drop you off at Port Authority as opposed to Chinatown, which can be pretty sketchy at night, especially if you don't know the area. Also, they've been catching on fire a lot lately..."

Is there any other company for which a review of the service provided would END (instead of begin and end) with "they've been catching on fire a lot lately"? I doubt it. So why does Fung Wah apparently get a pass? My best guess is that you can get away with murder as long as you're saving people money (insert Republican tax-cut joke here). The assumption is that if a company is doing something for less money, any pre-existing standard of service goes out the window no matter how marginal the savings that company offers may be. Which is something that should change. Offering a ride to New York for ten dollars less than the other guy shouldn't automatically entitle you to ignore basic features of bus transportation such as orderly lines, sane drivers, and fire-free travel.

My only hope is that the broke college students that are helping to expand Fung Wah's rapidly growing niche will either catch on to the fact that the savings just aren't worth it anymore OR Fung Wah will improve its service at least marginally (like, no fires please?). In anycase, I'm a Greyhound guy. Same crappy attitude as any other bus line, but far fewer fires.

Reason #432 That You Cannot Have Too Many USB Ports

2005-12-02T22:48:00.000-05:00

Just in time for Christmas! A Nerf Dart launcher that plugs into a USB port and is controlled by your computer. I'm pretty sure that you can only buy them here, but assuming that £19.50 is less than $3,000 US, I'm going to be getting at least 3.

It's scary to think that this is basically a scaled-down, pc-operated SAM site. Is it done Yuri?

Firefox 1.5 Session Saver Extension That Works

2005-12-02T14:24:00.000-05:00

OK, ok, ok, so I'm really just posting this to my blog because I want to remind myself to get the new Session Saver for 1.5 when I get home from work...but all of you out there should do this too.

From Digg:
Finally a working version of the Session Saver extension for Firefox 1.5 final. Session Saver allows you to exit out of Firefox and then start again whenever you like exactly the way you left it, tabs and all. This is definately a must have extension!

read more | digg story

Yo, Those Keys are HAWT!!!!

2005-12-01T22:36:00.000-05:00

Euphemisms for human-computer relations aside, this list of hotkeys for Macs is pretty sweet ass and I don't just mean ...

...never mind I'm not going to bother making a joke out of it. Just check it out.

Oh, and I realize the link navigates you away from my page, but tabbed browsing eliminates that problem, and if you're not using tabbed browsing I don't know what's wrong with you.

Oh, and could someone please tell me why Google AdSense served me this little gem:
Granted, the other ads on the page were all for video games so I can't complain that much, but on the scale of targeted ads that miss, this ranks pretty high. I wonder if this means some online horticulturist ended up getting my Super Monkeyball 2 ad on his browser. And if he did, did he click through it?

Russian squirrel pack 'kills dog'

2005-12-01T17:29:00.000-05:00

"Squirrels have bitten to death a stray dog which was barking at them in a Russian park, local media report."

People are next. I've been saying this for years.

read more | digg story

Chimp Bathing Cat

2005-11-23T16:21:00.000-05:00

I was going to write something of substance on here today, but that went right out the window as soon as I saw my new favorite short film.

Down, Down-Towards, Towards, (Punch)

2005-11-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

As a youth growing up on the mean-streets of Cape Cod, I had my fair share of fictitious role-models. None of them greater than the man himself: Ryu from Street Fighter. Though he shared every one of his moves with that blond-haired jackass, Ken, Ryu somehow managed to become a video game legend. Thanks to Ryu, I spent more time throwing fireballs then I spent on homework. There's no telling how many different cures for cancer I could've invented if it wasn't for that guy.

And so, I'm happy to report that I haven't lost a step. Thanks to the bargain-bin at the local videogame/DVD shop I was able to pick up a copy of Capcom Vs. SNK 2. Despite the fact that the game features 44 characters and about 600 special moves, I managed to beat it in about 20 minutes thanks to my old buddy Ryu.

Jump back.
Down, Down-Towards, Towards, (Punch)
Down, Down-Towards, Towards, (Punch)
Down, Down-Towards, Towards, (Punch)
Repeat as needed.
Game Over. I win.

It's also good to see that E. Honda is still as useless as ever.

Ok, I'm off to try and beat the game with the girl that looks like she may be some kind of Ryu-relation (she has very similar moves too). Maybe when I'm done with all this I can piece together the patchwork narrative of Ryu's life these past 10 years.

Magnificent British Bastards

2005-11-17T23:34:00.000-05:00

I'm going to do you all a huge favor and link you to a band's website. This band has put all of their back catalog up for free download. Every song. And they're making more money than ever. Oh and some guy named Paul from some old 60's band says they're awesome or something.

Leave this ramshackle blog and go here.

Can someone tell me why I paid Sony 20 bucks for a CD that breaks my computer?

2005-11-08T17:45:00.000-05:00

You can read a fairly informative editorial take on this issue here. Is this really what the world has come to?

Some other products that this kind of business logic could be applied to:

-a bullet that blows up whenever it's put into a gun.
-food that cannot be digested.
-a razor-coated bandaid.

The truly great thing about this new "feature" of Sony CDs is that it does absolutely nothing to stop the real pirates from stealing the music off of the disc and then freely distributing it to all the pissed off people who were boned by Sony. Classic.

Just trust me when I say:

2005-11-05T23:55:00.000-05:00

Greatest Goats Ever.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...You're going to STOP offering this cruise?

2005-11-05T13:05:00.000-05:00

CNN reports here that a cruise liner off of the coast of Somalia successfully fended off a pirate attack. The report goes on to state that the company that owns the cruise liner is considering the cancellation of that cruise.

Let me go on record as saying that a cancellation would be the greatest marketing blunder of all time. If I ran that company I'd be advertising this thing like mad. There's gotta be at least a million people out there that would pay good money to go on a vacation where they get to fend off pirates. $999 gets you a modest cabin, all-you-can-eat food, a musket, ammo, and a cutlass. I would be all over that deal. Of course it kind of sucks if you fail at fending off the pirates. I'm guessing Somalian Pirates don't have a lot to lose so they probably make for some stiff competition, but are they tough enough to overrun a luxury liner full of armed-crazies who signed up to shoot people with muskets? I doubt it.

Blog--From Hell's Heart I Stab at Thee!!!!

2005-10-30T02:23:00.000-05:00

There are only three things that could bring me out of my self-imposed exile. This is one of them.

Feed-Burned!

2005-08-28T13:06:00.000-04:00

The more astute readers of this blog will notice the presence of an exciting new icon in the lower right. That's right, Poor Time Management is now registered with Feedburner which means you can subscribe and get all the Zombie-Killin, Transvestite-Spotin, Pasta-Worshippin madness I provide without wasting valuable time checking the blog when nothing is here. Losers.

The Internet is a Wonderful Place

2005-08-26T09:13:00.000-04:00

I give you Pope Furricus XIV

Well...I Do Live a Block Away From a Club called "Transylvania"

2005-08-25T17:40:00.000-04:00

My Special Skill. Have I ever actually had to use it? No, but it's good to know that it's there if I need it AND I'll only be wrong once out of every 16 times. I don't need to tell you that the odds of me getting even 16 chances to apply this knowledge are amazingly low. In any case, it's good to know I got something out of my High School education.

The MP3 Dilemma: Solved?

2005-08-24T07:57:00.000-04:00

Those who want to get music without paying for it steal it.

Those who want to get music without stealing it pay for it.

Those who want to get music withough paying for it and without stealing it have the nice people at Wells Fargo buy it for them.

P.S. Those who want to do this more than once use jetable.org and then erase the cookie that Wells Fargo dumps into their browser each time (or just hit "reset Safari" to erase all cookies). Thanks Digg!

The Tree of Knowledge (was cut down and turned into these three books)

2005-08-23T23:25:00.000-04:00

Blink, Moneyball, and The Third Chimpanzee can be obtained via the telecommunicatorweb for under $40. A small price to pay for The Keys to All Knowledge. It is my belief that the information contained in these three books easily replaces at least two years of diligent study at even the best university. Indeed, these fine tomes may actually replace the entire academic side of the college experience. In fact, if I hadn't broken the 200 points-in-a-game barrier in NBA Hangtime while at college, I would consider four years of my life wasted.

Why I Should Never Go Out Without a Camera

2005-08-22T23:59:00.000-04:00

I cannot tell you how sad I am that I don't have an image to offer you. Whilst on one of my many secret missions, I sensed some commotion up ahead. Horns were honking and angry words were being exchanged. Moments later the source of the racket came into view: A NYC bus and a yellow cab. I can only guess that I caught the end of the drama, but what a glorious end it was. The driver of the bus slowed down, opened his window, and matched speeds with the cab while flipping him off viciously. Good ol' New York public transportation.

Save The Flying Spaghetti Monster!

2005-08-20T22:32:00.000-04:00

The "Editorial Fascists" at Wikipedia.org have deemed the entry for one of the world's fastest growing religions to be unworthy of the site. The entry itself is very well done and covers some of the major talking points in the Intelligent Design debate. So I offer this cry for justice: Save the Flying Spaghetti Monster on Wikipedia! He is a worthy deity! If Wikipedia deletes him, the Kansas Board of Education wins! Don't let this happen people!!!!

Why Don't I See That This Will End Badly?

2005-08-20T09:20:00.000-04:00

Worker A completes his construction of our old friend The Super Maul and leaves his desk at 1:45 PM traveling east towards Worker B who has just completed his Office Bow and Arrow. If both are trying to reel in the big promotion, who will die first? Make sure you check out the video that the creators of the deadliest thing made out of rulers were kind enough to put up on the site.

Children Do Terrible Things

2005-08-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my recent discovery of Hedonistica.com I was able to view the following slightly hilarious, slightly horrifying things:

Most Hateful Child Art Exhibit of the 21st Century
When Doves Aren't Given Oxygen With Which To Cry

I'm still working on a word that can describe these two things together.

Why I Will Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

2005-08-18T23:33:00.000-04:00

According to the most comprehensive test of Zombie Apocalypse survival skills ever created, I am 82% likely to survive a zombie attack. Those are pretty good odds and much better odds than I would give myself to survive something like the job market or my girlfriend's wrathful vengeance. Two major trains of thought developed in my mind once the results were in. One was "man I really hope some zombies attack, then I could actually make something of myself" and two was "where did I acquire this know-how?".

Since the likely-hood of a zombie attack looks pretty low, the first train is not going to get any attention, the second train, on the other hand, deserves some examination. Apparently, the key to the test is a proficiency with fire arms which I was lucky to develop during my brief time at Boy Scout Camp. To sum that experience up: I was twelve and I got to choose my own merit badge courses. I signed up for 4 slots of rifle range per day and one slot of archery. Archery sucked so I dropped that and just went rifle range all the way. In hindsight, some additional practice with a bow and arrow probably would have improved my odds against the evil dead.

The other key ingredient to my deft undead slaying proficiency was a chance encounter with Max Brooks' opus "The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead". This book alone has to be worth a good 25 points on the test. I highly recommend it to anyone who finds themselves wandering around a Barnes and Noble some day with nothing better to do than study up on how to survive a cataclysmic event that will probably never happen (The Bible fills this role pretty well too, not that I'm blaspheming or anything, there just haven't been too many Archangels breaking seals lately and, if ever it was going to happen, now would be that time). So as a final note to any would-be employers: if you want someone to protect your staff in the event of some freakish zombie uprising, hire me and rest assured that I'll get at least 82% of your people through it alive.

The Greatest Game Known to Man

2005-08-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

This is a company that "gets it". If I'm a wealthy, well-to-do gent trying to relive his college years, I'm not going to want the same old boring foosball table. I want the top of the line custom-made foosball table that I can outfit with the faces of my friends and enemies. They really need to give out awards for these kinds of things.

I would also like to point out that I'm one of the best foosball players in the US. Ironically, I'm the worst soccer player I know.

Freedom RoXXorS! You aR4b n00bZ!!!11One!

2005-08-08T23:50:00.000-04:00

Even the Lowest Common Denominator has to be smarter than this...

Some thoughts:

-Dude, sleeveless shirts get all the chicks.
-Were these pictures taken at the National Guard Recruitment Center at Abercrombie & Fitch HQ?
-A free T-shirt and DVD???? I'm there!!!! Does the DVD have special features like a "Stuck Over there: Forced Enlistment Extension and You" featurette? Or how about a behind the scenes video on unarmored HumVees?

I apologize for the tiny picture...it's the best I can do

The Brackets

2005-08-07T23:57:00.000-04:00

Some time ago, while I was embroiled in an argument as to whether or not a female gymnast was a better athlete than a male weightlifter, I came up with the even bigger question of: Who would win in a fight between 50 Cent (unarmed) and the brothers from Hanson (who all have survival knives)? This is a topic that spawned a greater debate than I can accurately represent here, but for the sake of better organizing future arguments I will list some factoids about the combatants.

FIDDY
-Has been shot nine times and does not walk with a limp
-Can bench press the total body-weight of the Hansons
-Will try to disarm one of the Hansons and use that Hanson's knife to kill the others

HANSON
-Are not very tough
-Often look like little girls to casual observers
-Have no formal training with survival knives

My own opinion on this fight was that even though the Hanson boys would do some serious damage, Fiddy would eventually kill them all with their own knives. This then lead to the question: Do the Hansons win by default if Fiddy dies from massive blood-loss? The answer was: We need to set up an entire tournament of fights to the death in a bracket-system so that injuries sustained during a fight have relevance.

The first round of "The Brackets" currently looks something like this:

50 Cent (unarmed) vs. Hanson (with survival knives)

The US Womens Gymnastic team (unarmed) vs. The Men's Olympic Weightlifting Champ

Michael Phelps (with a spear) vs. The Biggest and Strongest Alligator (in three feet of water)

Local Weatherman (in a News van) vs. National Spelling Bee champ (in a wheelchair with 20 sticks of dynamite and a zippo)

The Offensive and Defensive Linemen from the Rose Bowl Champion (unarmed) vs. That team's Band (with instruments)

All of Paul's ex-girlfriends (unarmed) vs. All of the foxes that live in Paul's neighborhood (unarmed, except for teeth, claws, and bestial cunning)

Obviously this is still in the early stages of development, but as time allows I will be updating and fine-tuning the tournament.

Dave, This One's For You...

2005-08-06T13:56:00.000-04:00

El Golem????

A Man Ahead of His Time

2005-08-05T15:54:00.000-04:00

To better understand what I am about to discuss, you must first read this article from Slate.com. The article itself is brilliant if only for the opening paragraph, but it is especially relevant to me because, since High School, I have been something of a poster-boy for Ranch Dressing. All the insane ranch dressing related dishes that the article mentions are old-hat to me. When the Dining Halls ran out of the good pasta sauce, I put Ranch on my ziti instead, when I couldn't find ketchup, Mr. Burger got a free trip to the Hidden Valley. I used Ranch as a dip for crackers, chips, veggies (rarely), and cheese sticks. Yes, that's right, I slathered a fat-intensive salad dressing on cheese and ate it as a meal. Ranch on bacon, ranch on grilled cheese, Ranch on grilled cheese with bacon: these were all staples of my diet. I even created a dip by blending smoked swordfish with Ranch--and I hate swordfish.

In recent years, since mid-college, Ranch has been surpassed as the condiment of choice by the more festive jar of salsa. Salsa can't form the symbiotic relationships that Ranch was capable of. There will be no salsa-pasta hybrids going on; but whatever salsa may give up to Ranch in the versatility department, it more than makes up for with its "endurability". During the Ranch days, one of the greatest drawbacks was that, after a few servings of Ranch, immobility would set in. Ranch, being incredibly fatty, is debilitating if consumed in larger quantitities without the aid of salad. This greatly reduces the fun of Ranch as a snack accessory. Salsa, on the other hand, does not carry with it the leaden feeling of Ranch, which is not to say it won't make its presence felt at some point, it just won't sap your strength. This fact and the events of The Spoiled Ranch Bottle Incident 0f '03, have placed me outside the popular culture's surge towards Ranch. Of course, it's also entirely possible that I'm just ahead of the curve, I guess we'll know for sure if people are dipping Oreos in salsa in 2010.

Running the Numbers One More Time

2005-08-03T23:54:00.000-04:00

A couple of my associates have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out the number that already exists here. You're screwed fellas. Sorry.

Form meets Function...

2005-08-02T17:27:00.000-04:00

Yeah...so um...this is a mousepad that includes "pillows" that you can wrest your "wrist" on. The function of these pillows supposedly has something to do with preventing carpal tunnel syndrome but I suspect early-adopters have come up with some other uses as well. Now, before you start assuming that I pervily sought these things out somewhere on eBay or something, let me point out that I instead came across a news item about them on Digg.com and then proceeded to pervily seek them out at the manufacturer's homepage: "bustymousepads.com". A clever domain name if ever there was one. Does this mean we can expect a line of "flat-chested but a good personality mousepads" some time in the near future?

It's safe to say that I will never be the owner of one of these but I admit to marveling at the initial concept. Having spent my high school years living in an all male dormitory I am aware that a product such as this has a vital customer base, but does that customer base have the willingness to jettison every ounce of self-respect they possess just to indulge in the lame gimmickery of a mousepad with boobies? If the rhetorical nature of that question was not readily apparent, let me instead offer: this product will make millions of dollars.

Spreading the Gospel of Vin Diesel Facts

2005-08-01T15:58:00.000-04:00

One of my agents in the field passed along the brilliance of The Vin Diesel Fact Generator to me. I now offer it to you. Make sure to keep an eye on the Top Ten Facts while you're at it.

The List of Backwards Names

2005-07-31T23:51:00.000-04:00

As a result of some deep-thinking exercises I was doing back in 2002 I came up with "The List of Backwards Names". This list is one of the greatest and most enduring sources of humor I have ever found for myself. The rules of the list are simple: take a professional athlete's name, put the last name before the first name, then reverse the order of the letters in each name. As simple as Einstein's theory of relativity, but far more important to the development of humanity.

Some great excerpts from The List of Backwards Names:

Snevel Yesrod
Yelbom Onittuc
Sicnarf Evets
Ybmac Sucram
Nosneb Sirk

Now go on kids: try it out for yourself!

The Achilles Heel

2005-07-30T20:49:00.000-04:00

In a followup to my Coke-consumption braggadocio I must admit that consuming too much of this soda would kill me. Which means the world has conspired once again to knock me down to the level of "mere mortal". Thanks a bunch--I needed that.

Saving the Future and Predicting the Weather

2005-07-30T19:22:00.000-04:00

Meteorologist A.J. Burnett: not a good trade option.

In the course of a Major League Baseball regular season there are three crucial periods of time: Opening Day, the trade deadline, and the stretch run. As refreshing as Opening Day is, and as exciting as watching your team clinch a spot in the playoffs during the stretch can be, neither of those moments are as consistently exhilarating as The Deadline. An entire year can be salvaged or destroyed in just the last seconds of this day. Now, that day has come: The Trade Deadline is nigh, and as usual some wild ideas are being floated by the media. Note the use of the word "wild" rather than "crazy" in that sentence. At trade-time no deal is truly crazy and--until the season is over--no deal is truly bad.

Exhibit A in the 2005 version of this argument is the ongoing A.J. Burnett discussion. His career ERA is 3.77, he's on pace to have his best year ever, and finally, he is just now entering his prime as a pitcher. All of those points make him look like the crown jewel of MLB trades but what has been ignored is perhaps the most relevant point of all: A.J. Burnett has pitched more than 200 innings in a season just once in his career (204.1IP in '02) and that performance was followed by some pretty special surgery that goes by the name of Tommy-somethingorrather. Adding to the risk factor involved in the deal is the fact that the Marlins are desperate to include Mike Lowell's bloated contract (and deflated carcass) in the deal.

It goes without saying that any team willing to take on the Mike Lowell albatross while simultaneously giving up legitimate prospects to gamble on Burnett's elbow has to pray they win big. Anything short of a spot in the playoffs would be a colossal failure. This is precisely the reason that a Burnett trade could easily happen at the bell. With so many teams in a race of some kind (either division or wild card) it becomes highly likely that one general manager is going to crack and roll the dice. It has to be worth it to at least one team out there. When even the Blue Jays have a chance at the playoffs you know some random small market team is going to have some extra prospects to throw Florida's way.

And why shouldn't they? There are no immediate dynasties in the Majors. The World Series is as up-for-grabs as ever and, for a small-time team like the Jays why not take your shot when you have it? The two Juggernauts of your division are battling injuries that have either severely slowed or utterly crippled their pitching staffs. Meanwhile Roy Halladay is preparing for a triumphant return to a team that is only 4 games out of its division. A team like that could really benefit from a blockbuster deadline deal. Of course, a team like that could also put itself out of contention for years if the deal doesn't work out. Just one of the plethora of reasons why I love baseball.

You Know Mother Nature Hates You When...

2005-07-30T18:51:00.000-04:00

You're a blue lobster. I've seen a few of these things in my time, and believe me, they are weird. Nothing screams "freak of nature" more than these little critters, and of course--like all other lobsters--they are cannibals. Watching lobster-on-lobster violence sounds like a cool way to pass the summer days while you are slaving away in a refrigerated room, but it gets really gross really fast when the victor starts chowing down on the guts of the fallen. They're the cockroaches of the sea. People pay fifty bucks to eat them. Gross.

Skewing the Numbers

2005-07-28T23:48:00.000-04:00

I don't mean to brag, but there's absolutely no way that this site is in any way able to accurately predict just how much Coke it would take to kill me. Science can't measure the amount of Coke I can safely consume. My body is 78% Coca-Cola Classic. My saliva can remove rust from outdoor grilles. You know those digital counters that keep track of ever-increasing numbers like the world's population or time? Well in order to accurately measure how much Coke it would take to kill me, you'd need one of those. Sorry guys, better luck next time.

CGI TMNT

2005-07-27T01:11:00.000-04:00

I like it, but to really coax out my inner 3-year-old you've gotta do something like this. And, yes, you read that right, Pharrell Williams of the Neptunes has already signed on to score this piece. How much do you want to bet that he hasn't got all the original toys still in their boxes? I can't wait for someone to build a fully functional, life-size Turtle Wagon and post a video of it on the net. Of course all this means that a Saved by the Bell remake is an inevitability at this point. Well, take the good with the bad I guess.

Let's Do this Thing

2005-07-25T23:46:00.000-04:00

Samir and Michael Bolton are down with this.

I know if I keep saying that I've found the greatest thing in the world every single day people are going to stop believing me, but this time it's true. Again. Officeguns.com is exactly what you want it to be and so, so, sooooo, much more. It's safe to say that, if I get a job in an office, I'm going to be spending a lot of time building these things. I mean, one need look no further than The Super Maul, a pencil-gun that comes with a laser sight, to realize that these guys are way more advanced then that weird kid in your shop class. The most startling thing of all is that The Super Maul can fire a pencil at speeds that approach those of my old BB-gun. This is the human being at its best.

Things to-do when I get my AK-47

2005-07-25T23:08:00.000-04:00

1. Cut down telephone pole
2. Shoot a car until it blows up (this may mean filling the car with dynamite as well)
3. Show off my piece to some smokin-hot foxes
4. Remove my old Dell Laptop from this plane of existence.
5. Pump round after round of hot lead into a random tree because fuck nature you know?
6. You there, car with the alarm that won't turn off at 4 AM, have some holes in your chassy (this may mean filling the car with dynamite as well)
7. Kill any squirrel, pigeon, or seagull that gets the better of me in public (this happens ALL THE TIME)
8. Chill with those crazy Somalian dudes because I'll finally fit in.
9. World Peace
10. Team up with Bruce Willis for one final adventure.

What is Art in the Modern Age?

2005-07-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

Throughout my childhood I fancied myself quite the humor writer/illustrator. I know now that I was nothing more than a man among giants. For while I was toiling away on my meager squirrel-oriented narratives, the Giants were crafting masterpieces like this one. Someday I will create something so glorious, but that day is not today, instead I will study this and treasure it in my heart.

Joe Morgenstern and Bible Fellowship web comics

2005-07-21T23:43:00.000-04:00

Available now in your iTunes podcast directory: KCRW's Film Reviews by Joe Morgenstern. It's fair to say that I would listen to this guy even if he was reading State of the Union speeches backwards. Instead, he reads his film reviews forwards, and they are really, really good. I would've searched out a pic of him, but I would rather be left to imagine him as a 60-something bearded fat man with tons of smoking-hot groupies. This is only because I'm destined to be a 60-something bearded fat man and it's a special comfort knowing that the potential for groupies exists at that stage.

In other news: I finally stumbled upon what is likely an old and busted corner of the Net, but to me it's still The New Hotness. And no, I'm not above calling things The New Hotness, so just deal with it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Weinsteins!

2005-07-20T10:28:00.000-04:00

One of the advantages to growing up in a capitalist society is the inevitability that one's mass-marketed childhood will never truly die. This is evidence of that fact. Now if only they can convince Scorsese to direct.

"Remember Leonardo, the blood stays on the blade"

"Yes, Master Splinter"

Sweet.

The Island: A Review in the Key of Bay

2005-07-20T01:29:00.000-04:00

Michael Bay is a filmmaker. He makes a lot of action movies. They make money. SOMETIMES I DON'T LIKE THEM. I write reviews of them. I didn't like this one. As a football player. Getting angry at bad filmmakers sometimes happens a lot. Jeeze, Scarlett Johansson sure is beautiful. In the near future motorcycles will fly but cars won't. Editing is important to making a movie. Ewan McGregor finds out the secret. So I am going to write this one in the same style. Boobs. Michael Clark Duncan also appears. The Rock, Armaggedon, and Bad Boys were all fairly enjoyable. That is to say: THERE IS NO ISLAND! Sometimes you need to develop the plot and in this case he does not. She is one of the few bright-spots of the film; a fact that Bay no doubt banked on. They are ALL FREE. I have a brand on my palm that is the reason for saving you from this kind of hell.

There, now was that enjoyable to you? Most sane people would argue no. Imagine putting up with that crap for over two hours and you have a pretty good idea of what to expect from The Island. Thanks to a combination of formulaic narrative and spoilerific promotional efforts the entire plot of the movie is known a priori. The actual manner in which the film is directed, shot, and edited is mediocre at best. So why bother to sit through this train wreck of hard cuts and 180 degree rule breakage? I have no idea.

Michael Bay, on the other hand, believes the film can get by on some combination of the pretty faces of its two leads and some rather mediocre chase scenes. The director sticks to his tried and true method of taking a very thin action premise, setting it in an action-packed universe, then adding in some exciting action-filled chase sequences. As usual he eschews any attempts at developing his characters, nor does he seek to complicate the story with any plot twists that could potentially defy his audience's expectations. What we see is exactly what we are going to get more of. As a film it is a failure. It will gross 400 million dollars worldwide.

Why is that? This movie offers absolutely nothing that could be considered unique. We've seen better visions of the near future in Blade Runner, Minority Report, and hell, even Back to the Future 2. Why will people love this movie? In truth, they will not, but they will sit through it and Ewan and Scarlet sure are pretty. Oh, and Steve Buscemi is a really sad sack. They'll pay for it because it is exactly what it is: nothing they haven't already seen. Where there is complexity or non-conformance in popular cinema there is risk.

Witness the folly of Cinderella Man. If you are making a film for the masses that you want to be profitable, you must first convince those masses that your movie is exactly what they think it is. You cannot confuse people by calling the hero in your boxing movie "Cinderella". The prized adolescent male demographic will shy away from it because it looks a little touchy-feely, and the women will be wary that it's "just another boxing movie". Instead, you need to convince the wives and girlfriends of the world that Bridget Jones's Diary is the movie that all of them can relate to. You need to get the kiddies to believe that Harry Potter is the most magical thing they will ever see. You need to convince the adolescent males of the world that The Island will have all kinds of delicious sci-fi, action, AND Scarlett Johansson's rack.

The movie does all of this. Unfortunately, in doing so, it lays its entire hand on the table. The result is that there is nothing to gain from actually sitting through the film. Even the action, which could offer an excuse for the film's flaws, alternates between weak and predictable. Maybe I've just seen too much of Michael Bay, maybe the action sequences in this film are spectacular, and maybe some day I really will be able to move objects with my mind--but I'm not about to bet on any of those things. Usually I can manage a modicum of enjoyment from even the simplest of action movies. In this case the frenetic cut-first, continuity-later, approach to story telling that Bay used to great affect in The Rock and Armaggedon comes up short. In his other films I didn't mind the choice to forsake the 180 degree rule, nor did I really care that I couldn't always tell what was going on, but in this film, with nothing else to pay attention to, the flaws in the filmmakers craft become downright infuriating. Dammit.

Digg with Two G's

2005-07-19T21:46:00.000-04:00

I was lucky enough to stumble upon Digg.com, or more specifically, Digg.com's podcast "DiggNation". The Digg site is pretty cool in and of itself--it's built upon user-submitted news stories that are voted to the homepage of the site by people giving them "diggs". This hip 21st Century lingo is just too cool for me. DiggNation features two super tech-nerds drinking a wide variety of beers while they discuss the top Digg.com stories and bitch about the lack of air conditioning in their apartment. It's high quality all the way.

The highlights to date include stories about zombie-dogs, human brains in monkeys, and a water-like substance that is in fact not wet. The team have gone through three episodes so far and everyone of them has managed to get a few laughs. I'm not sure I'm wild about the concept of "user-submitted" news (I'm 99% sure that the zombie dogs thing is a hoax) since even proffessional journalists can't be held to a standard of truth and integrity. I highly doubt that Joe Nerdstrom the Systems Administrator from Dakota is going to be getting the job done any better.

I give the site a 6 out of 10 on the time-wasting scale. The podcast gets a solid 10.

What is and should never be...

2005-07-13T17:03:00.000-04:00

I always wanted McDonald's to get on the ball and start putting fortune cookie-type fortunes inside their chicken nuggets. My grand idea was that they could be sold as "McNuggets of Wisdom"--years later I realized that this failed culinary experiment, if it actually happened, would be known only as "McNuggets of Death" due to the choking hazard involved. That isn't to say that I think McDonald's customers would be dumb enough to eat the nuggets without removing the wisdom, I just think they'd be dumb enough to give them to their kids who wouldn't know to remove the wisdom.

Since I never liked fortune cookies I only "ate" them in order to get the cool paper commentary on my future. What I really wanted to see was a little piece of stock market ticker tape with some random stock value on it. That would be pretty business, in both senses of the word I guess. If chinese food restaurants started doing that--just printing random stock quotes on their fortunes--wouldn't that change people's lives more than the random bits of philosophy that currently disappoint their customers? If you opened a cookie that had a stock that matched your initials wouldn't you go for it? I sure as hell would and I know for a fact people are willing to burn a buck on a lotto ticket just to play the numbers printed on the back of the fortune. With the stock market plan one way or another that cookie would affect your life. At least it would do more than some stupid one-liner like "Your sunny disposition brings life to those around you". Yeah, no shit, next time, why don't you actually tell me something about my FUTURE, but right now I'm going to go puke up some rotten General Tso's.

Speaking of which, who is this General Tso? Google offers this little gem by Michael Browning which serves only to confirm what I have suspected since my late teens: Tso was a ruthless military man. Though something of a nobody until his late-thirties, he made a name for himself in the middle of the 19th century by quelling a series of rebellions. In light of this fact, it's funny that his legacy is a food that so frequently encourages a rebellion of the bowels. Even more interesting is Browning's depiction of Tso's academic abillities, "As a young man Tso flunked the official court exams three times, a terrible disgrace". Ironic then that this failed student's name graces a food universally accepted as the finest late-night study-session food ever. The article goes on to speculate on the origin of the dish itself, it's a good read for anyone wanting to waste some more of their life.

Which brings me to my real motivation for posting this: I'm hungry.

The world is full of garbage

2005-07-12T04:08:00.000-04:00

99% of the US's problems are caused by too many lawyers who are shitty people and too many people who are shitty journalists. Why can't these assclowns do something useful with themselves? I refuse to believe that people who become lawyers somehow lose their souls/common sense/humanity during law school. I also refuse to believe that someone can attend an institute of higher learning focused on Journalism and graduate only to become an agent of ignorance and inaccuracy. I'm just pissed at the world...so I'll stop this rant now.

poem in the middle of the night

2005-06-11T03:34:00.000-04:00

My love for you
a warm blanket
dipped in tar
and broken glass.

Yeah, so that's it. I get these little things in my head and I feel like I should write them down...I like to think of them as poetry...better that than the ravings of a mad man. LOL...PoEtRee nOOb!!!!1111One.

Other Uses for an iPod

2005-06-06T05:37:00.000-04:00

In the interest of keeping this blog from becoming a weekly column, I thought I should put up any "quick ideas" that I may have.

Here are some non-music things that I have used my iPod for:

-Used the back as a mirror.
-Paper Weight.
-Brickout!
-Recorded myself reading something then put it on my iPod and listened to it 100 times so I could memorize it (ok...I haven't done this yet...but as soon as I find something in my life worth memorizing, it's on!)

...more to follow...maybe...

Guerra de las Estrellas

2005-06-06T04:13:00.000-04:00

It's been a week since I saw the "final" (that should get four sets of quotation marks) Star Wars film so I think I've settled into an opinion.

It's good.

A very different movie when compared to the Original Trilogy, but probably just as good overall. The Original Trilogy is comprised of movies that are quite clearly "Epic Adventures" while "Sith" drops much of the "Adventure" in order to focus on the "Epic". I think this is where Episode III (and for that matter the other prequels; but those are also hamstrung by poor executions of good ideas) loses most of the fan base. Having grown up watching the Original Trilogy dozens of times, an entire generation of fans came to understand Star Wars as a franchise concerned with following the exploits of a handful of unique characters (in relation to one another as well as to the general populace) as they faced a variety of unusual obstacles as they traveled down an equally unique set of paths. The result was a set of movies with a lot of wide open spaces: "Where do Wookies come from?", "What were the Jedi like?", "What the hell is a Clone War?", "Who is this Emperor guy?", "Boba Fett? Boba Fett?", etc. Each character spurred a flurry of questions in the viewers mind that could in turn be answered or toyed with by the imagination. Episodes IV-VI became a set of crayons and a blank sheet of paper with which the audience could play for years. The sense of awe and wonder brought on by The Questions was the foundation of the special charm of the originals.

From their inception, the prequels were designed to be something completely different: A Set of Answers. George Lucas made the prequel trilogy to explain how the universe that exists in Episodes IV-VI came to be the way it is. "Sith" specifically focuses on Anakin because he is at the center of the drastic turn that the universe takes. This means that instead of giving us a film about a set of unique characters each traveling down their own special path while interacting with eachother, Lucas gives us all Anakin, all the time.

The cadre of unique characters are replaced by a bunch of spokes jutting off of the Vader axle. Each spoke another answer to the Vader Question. In the originals Obi Wan was a Jedi Mentor to Luke, in "Sith" he is Anakin's buddy; original Leia is the love interest (for TWO men no less! ...and maybe a wookie too), prequel Leia is Anakin's kid; original Emperor is the big bad that Luke must bring down, prequel Emperor is Anakin's "special friend"; in short, all roads lead to Anakin. The unique and special path is gone. We're not going to Mos Eisley to hitch a ride with a scoundrel. We're not going to Cloud city to fix the hyperdrive. We're not going to Dagobah to learn from Yoda. We're not going to Jabba's Palace to rescue Han. We're not going to Endor to set up cool traps for giant walking tanks. No no no. No time for that. We need to get the Answers!

"Phantom Menace" is actually more like the Original Trilogy than "Attack of the Clones" and "Sith". It is pretty true to the above mentioned formula for the Star Wars Epic Adventure...but it is terrible. After some silliness in that film, we get into the nitty gritty of the history. In "Attack of the Clones" we get the Clone Wars lesson. We are going to Geonosis to see the clones. We are going to the Senate to see the clones cleared for active duty. We are going to some friggin planet to see the clones fight. In "Sith" we get the Vader Lesson. We are going to General Grevious's ship to see Anakin become a little darker. We are going to Padme's apartment to see Anakin become a little darker. We are going to the Jedi Council to see Anakin become a little darker. Lucas took away the paper and crayons and gave us a Mad Lib...with all the answers already filled in.

I like the prequels, but I prefer the originals. Out of the six films I would say Lucas gave us four outstanding movies and 2 good ones ("Menace" and "Clones" have to be given above average ratings based purely on the overall production value and action sequences). Was the acting bad in all the prequels? Yes. Were some of the scenes a little cheesy? Of course. Fans of the original three movies shout these complaints at every opportunity, but they never seem to realize that the very same complaints were made regarding the Original Trilogy. Those films managed to withstand the test of time and I believe the prequels will too.

I rank "Sith" amongst the best movies of all time (somewhere in the top 1%) and it would appear that moviegoers across the US agree: domestic box office numbers for "Sith" are somewhere in the $308 Million range after just three weekends. Between the theatrical release, DVDs, and TV deals it will probably clear a billion dollars in total gross in my lifetime. For this reason alone I think it's clear that we haven't actually seen the last Star Wars movie. It's also possible that the world is yet to see the "best" Star Wars movie. Hopefully, someone out there is going to give us some new crayons soon.

The Absurdity of Confiscating Nail Clippers

2005-05-27T03:39:00.000-04:00

In less than 7 hours I will be boarding a bus at the scenic (and often fragrant) Port Authority Bus Terminal. Aside from being a spectacular place it is also the site of one of my greatest losses: Simon, my first mini-leatherman tool.

Long ago, when Evil-Doers freely roamed the Earth, Caesar Augustus declared that there be a tightening of security on all buses. And so it came to pass that I removed Simon from my keychain as I was forced to hand him over to P.A.S. (Port Authority Security, you know, the fat guy with the metal-detecting, nust-shriveling, wand). What burned me most was that Simon had become something of a keepsake as he had been with me through some tough situations that have made me the man I am today: opening cans without tabs, cutting off frayed bits of string from clothing, tightening screws in various tiny electronic devices, and clipping my nails.

It should be noted that of all the things I had used Simon for over the years, never had I used him as a weapon. The few times that I needed a weapon, had I opted to use Simon, I surely would have been killed. You see, Simon's arsenal sports an itty-bitty screwdriver, a can opener, a 2 cm blade, and a lethal set of 2.4 cm scissors. Far be it from me to criticize P.A.S's ability to judge the danger that such items pose, but even in the hands of the greatest cyborg-ninja ever, I can't see Simon doing much more damage than a fist, or more appropriately a broken end of the Snapple bottle that I was allowed to carry with me onto the bus. To take this non-questioning of P.A.S's policy to the extreme, I could've used my Snapple bottle, one of my socks, and the bottle of alcohol that I could've brought onto the bus in my carry-on (since booze is allowed though drinking is not), to make a poor man's Molotov Cocktail. I'm guessing those items would've done more damage onboard than Simon.

Rather than turn this into a Federal Case (I mean really, why should the logic behind the decisions regarding what I'm allowed to carry on my person become a Federal Case?) I handed Simon over. At the time I assumed I was missing something and that P.A.S. must have learned that MacGuyver was, in fact, training an army of nail-clipper-wielding maniacs to take over all of the buses in the US in an attempt to control our tourism. Looking back however, I see that perhaps that isn't so likely and that it is far more likely that banning something like nail-clippers while allowing something like a large long-necked glass bottle onboard a bus is a silly thing to do.